Black Acid Pen

Be prepared and be warned. I currently just inhaled a foot-long subway sandwich. It was an aggressively average triumph of culinary skill…all for seven bucks. It is now being replaced by the acidic tinge of black Starbucks coffee as I kidnap free wifi to write this first blog post.
Cynicism is usually something I try and quell, but frankly I was tired of trying to come up with the perfect first blog of sunshine soaked inspiration to vomit upon the world in my inaugural desperate attempt at getting any and all eyes to read my tales and launch my nonexistent career into the stratosphere.
Brace yourself. A heavy dose of hard up, blue-balled cynicism is on its way.
A few weeks ago I went to the local bar in an effort to take a breather from some close friends and breath in some new candidates.
One of them was a girl who professed to me how her dream was to be a professional writer. She recently had a friend create and design a blog for her where she has been dispensing a menagerie of unsolicited bleached white bullshit ranging from relationship advice for the everyday singleton to the life lessons she’s learned from the struggles faced everyday as a marginalized and put upon twenty-two-year-old white woman hailing from the great state of Oregon.
I heard her out. I smiled. I even encouraged her to turn her blog into a book.
If she ever gets anything published I will purposely dive in front of one of the trucks that pass underneath the highway I’ll most likely be living under. But, in the end, she thanked me and gave me the advice that I should write a blog myself due to the fact that we share the same “dream”. Yes…it’s true, I write to you now as a twenty-three-year-old struggling, aspiring, and desperate novelist.
Writer by day, waiter by night – my description sounds like a blurb for perhaps the least fucked superhero in all of Marvel Comics. This post may sound as if it was written with a black acid pen, but at least I’m being honest. Isn’t that what these things are for? To connect with readers on some honest, raw and deep level? I sure as hell don’t need to read another lithium laced advice column, see another selfie raped by hashtags, or watch another youtube video starring someone whose biggest problem is having six abs instead of eight.
So here is my shameless mission, plug, and purpose – I am reaching out to any all voices, eyes, and minds with the aim forcing you to watch and read my quest towards becoming a novelist who can actually pay a single bill based on their stories. I won’t lie to you. I hope that you are Guillermo del Toro, Neil Gaiman, or…dare I say it? J.K Rowling? Are you there?
I recently completed my first manuscript (hallelujah hands emoji). Wether it will ever see the light of day remains to be seen, but I am determined to drag it out into the sun. It’s not easy. Just google the process “Querying Literary Agents”. Like my last girlfriend, it is a fucking ball buster. But I will not give up. By the way…an example of my query letter is included on this blog for all who are interested (prayer hands emoji).
The first question your asking is this – he sucks doesn’t he? Well the answer is up to you. I want the good, the bad, and the ugly. Give it to me straight. I should be able to take it. It’ll be rough if you all hate the stories I post, but it is a risk I need to take. This blog will have be a leapfrogging mix of my digital Bridget Jones’s blogs alongside short stories and excerpts from some longer pieces of fiction that I’m working on.
I don’t know if anything will come of this, or if anyone will even read see this, but I am just going to do what the great Will Ferrel said to do in his commencement address I watched on Youtube the other day – I am going to just keep throwing darts up on the wall. This blog is just one of my many darts. #rantover. Also, please visit my Youtube channel where you can watch me count my one single gigantic ab.
Sincerely,
Jayrock Avalon
P.S. Send me your shit. Much like your comments, I love the good, the bad, and the ugly.