How about epic romances?

Her name is Emily. She is best friends with my little sister Anna and will be her roommate during their junior year of college next semester. Naturally, I felt an urge to fuck that up entirely.

We met when we both arrived at the hospital due to my sister guzzling down a trey full of shots that contained a whole carny act of alcohol. Don’t worry, Anna ended up being just fine. A few hours of blacked out sleep with a barf bag strapped to her face was all that was needed. I owe my little sis a muffin basket actually, for it was during this time that I got to know Emily. Ah, a silver lining.

She isn’t the type I would normally go for. Emily, it seems, is smart and sane. But nevertheless, I am intrigued by her talent at busting my balls. So, by the end of the night, I looked Emily dead in the eye and pronounced, “I am going to take you out.” This received the reply of a simple soul crushing, “No, you’re not.” Naturally, I got her number anyway. These are our daily conversations for you’re enjoyment…

Me: So when should I pick you up?

Emily: Omg…

Me: So Wednesday at 6:30?

Emily: Dang it, I have to go read to orphans then.

Me: I got em a book on tape. They’re fine. 

Emily: Wait…it was actually a silent auction at the women’s club, my bad. 

Me: One of my friends is a lesbian mute auctioneer. She’s got it covered. 

Emily: I don’t think you know what the women’s club is…

Me: Neither does my friend, but she’s very excited to attend. 

Me: Even better idea: Why don’t I come with you and have you show me what it is? Problem solved. 

Emily: Sorry bud, members only. 

Me: Where do I sign up?

Emily: You don’t. Aren’t you like 23?

Me: Yes ma’am. 

Emily: I’m 20. Don’t you think that’s like a little too Anna Nicole Smith.

Me: Nah. Last I checked, 23 wasn’t the new 99. I don’t have any money but I am wheelchair and wrinkle free so that’s a plus. 

EMILY: Awesome. 


Me: So what kind of flowers do you like?

Emily: Dead ones. 

Me: See, this is why we belong together. 

Emily: That’s a little morbid. 

Me: I joined the women’s club today. What time should I pick you up for the silent auction?

Emily: I already have a date. I’m taking your friend, the lesbian mute auctioneer. She’s very excited to attend. 

Me: Damnit. 


Me: So do you like Italian food?

Emily: I’m anorexic.

Me: Unfortunate…

Me (Again): Well I’m actually a chef. I could cook you dinner and bring it to you if you won’t let me take you out. 

Emily: Aren’t you the one who didn’t have any food besides stale wheat thins?

Me: Yeah…but I made those wheat thins myself and they are delicious. 

Emily: Oh really?

Me: Yeah. Go on Yelp. I’m rated five stars. Kina a big deal…


Me: You give in to me yet?

Emily: Do I really seems so easily swayed?

Me: No. But I think i’ve at least earned a shot right?

(I proceeded to try and call her. She ignored my call…so i left her a voicemail)

Emily: My grandma leaves me voicemails begging me to call her all the time. Who cares. 

Me: Your grandma is ging to love me. She will definitely approve of me when we meet at our wedding. 

Emily: I doubt that. She’s a bitch. 

Me: A trait you’ve inherited. But it’s what I love about you. 

Emily: Fuck you. 

Me: So Saturday at 6:30?


Me: So what you up to? Probably thinking of me…

Emily: Can’t say that’s the case. 

Me: You should really try calling me back sometime. We’d have great conversations. 

Emily: That sounds like five minutes of my life I’ll never get back. 

Me: More like an amazing moment you won’t want to end. 

Me (Again): Are you always this stubborn? Or do I just bring it out in you?

Emily: Can’t a woman stand her ground anymore without being questioned?

Me: I like it. I respect it. But how much ground do you need? You should really make some room for me to stand right next to ya.

Emily: I prefer to lone wolf it. 

Me: That was you? I thought I heard a howl…


Me: So did you dream about me last night?

Emily: Have you considered playing hard to get?

Me: Nah, with you that’d get me nowhere. I’m going for it. Charming right?

Emily: It’s something. 


Me: I heard a wolf howl…did you try calling me?

Emily: No. 


Me: You a movie fan?

Emily: No. I prefer long novels with such advanced and complex diction that they need to be read alone…in solitude. 

Me: How about I write you a story about our first date and you can read that?

Emily: I’m not really into tragedies…or horror…or science fiction. 

Me: How about epic romances?



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